When your heart is hollow and you don’t feel. But tears they fall as you speak, you don’t know why, you don’t know how, it just falls down
Words won’t come up when someone asks why. My heart is a bit dead and a little scared inside.
They don’t know why I cry at night, they don’t know why even though I laugh all day, I feel afraid deep inside. They always think I am the happy cheerful girl who lives in a happy little world but darling there is something that is so deep and dark that’s within my heart I can’t seem to tell you that I fear people, I fear making friends, I hate talking to people because I am so scared, what if I say something wrong and make things worse, what if I do things that makes people curse.
Nowadays I cry all day and I cry all night, all the sleepless night, I fight my own mind. I have no reason to be this depressed but fuck this shit I am somehow so fucking compressed. The thoughts that must wander are the better goods but I don’t know what’s wrong with my mind it always thinks the worst.
Now friends ask me reasons for why I am so sad but all I can say is I don’t know why but I feel so hollow inside. Friends, they worry but I have nothing to tell as I don’t know the reason why I fear. They want to show me light when darkness is all I see. Can they pull me from this empty room full of demons and doom is all I seem to think. I want to have someone near me, hold me and say everything is fine, hug me tight and tell me the world is abyss but you can find heaven in people’s dreams, that they can be happy even though life is cursed and all you see is grims. You will be happy and sad and angry life goes on and so will you. I want someone to be there just to calm me down.
Memories of all those promises that we vowed to keep are flashing today like a hurricane taking all these happiness away.
False hopes and false promises that we make to each other, that at the end gets broken just to make our heart break again.
Bound to be broken, the rules they say. Bound to broken, those worthless promises.
The vows to love each other till the death do us apart and love each other even after that are broken promises that never gets fulfilled at the end. We just get distant and more distant are our faith for each other.
Life is with uncertainty and promises can’t always be fulfilled. We loathe people that we loved the most and we love the people we hated the most. Our friends are our enemies and sometimes the enemies become our friends
Promise to keep the secret, promise to love each other forever, promises of never cheating, promise to never lie, promise to be always there are the worst kind of promises when not fulfilled and promises in general are the worst because not all promises makes till the end.
Those days when things were all good and nights where I could fall asleep, the times when all I could be sad about was not getting chocolate, those were the best days of my life.
These days are like blur, I don’t remember what I do half the day. It all goes being in bed. Wondering what life would have been if I didn’t do those things that I did without thinking.
But regretting is not the thing I do. It’s a part of my memory that makes me feel I am a human being too. We make mistakes in our life.
I see demon in the eyes of my own, With a heart of a kid. I stopped having feelings long time ago. Now it’s just dust and stones. It’s like a dead person in a live body. I am alive just to do what a person has to do. I don’t have my mind out right, my memories are blur.
My thought process is fucked up and all I think is, is everybody’s life like this? Are they fucked up like me? Are they going through things that they wish they could just end it? Is life’s meaning just living and not living the moment? What’s life’s purpose? What is life?
Why do we exist and why do we die? Why is everything that’s happening, happening? And I go numb and feel dead again.
So when I was small, I always thought I wish I was a grown-up. Looking at grown-ups made me feel like I would enjoy being a free, whatever I want to do person
But it seems growing up is totally different. It’s growing up and not only in age but also in every thing, like how you mature through your hard works. How you get to know what you want and can’t do it because your parents don’t agree to that and you have to pursue something you are not interested in. It’s hard work and tough life.
You have some good moments, you have some crazy moments where you go crazy and feel depressed and shit.
Growing up is hard and all I want is to go back to when I was a child. Being pampered was easier and fun.
Now it’s all pain and hardwork and independent freedom
You start out as a stranger, then you become friends. You get to know each other and then suddenly you get this feelings that you never felt before. And all of a sudden baam you fall in love with a stranger that became Friends then twisted it into some couple thing.
You two are intertwined by fate, by force.
But if you start out as a stranger and without progress of friends and relation, you happen to have good time with eachother, what does it count as.
Love is not just a feeling, I believe it’s a responsibility that we are not yet ready to handle. It takes time and learning to make love work and make relation work and it’s too hard these days to handle that. You are too scared to fall in love, to have that feeling control you
When I wake up listening to the sound of birds chirping and the chimes making their different sound early morning, that’s when I know my day is going to be great. Early morning was not my thing. It was just not my thing, if I woke up early morning, I went back to sleep most of the days. But these days I am trying to be productive waking up at around 6 AM.
We have a tree next to our hostel and we can see it from our window. The leaves and the way the wind is making those leaves move. It feels magical. The sound of aeroplanes and the movement in the college mess starting early from 5 and weird noises from the outside it just feels like ok!! I am going to have a great start this morning. And I open my phone, go to Spotify listen to some lofi music and set up my mood to do some workout, write journals and enjoy my morning so that all my day goes properly without me being lazy and feeling tired all day.
Waking up early morning is good it seems and I am loving it.
It’s the middle of the night and to be exact it is 12:00 AM and unable to sleep. The ceiling fan moving and rotating making this weird noise. My roommate talking to her boyfriend about some cats and shit. And Inky my Betta fish sleeping in his bowl. And here I am wondering what life is and why we are born and what we do before we die to just go somewhere we don’t know.
Its not just that, the sound of the fan makes me wonder, how did people come up with different things, how did they know what they need to do. was it a mistake that they found out that they could use it. Or was it that they never really knew the purpose but started making it anyway.
Isn’t it too calming before the storm that’s how I feel in the middle of the night. My brain starts to wonder off in one direction and baam. I think alot and my mind starts of wander off in past direction. The things that could have been right but I did a mistake. Why I did what I did on that day in that rainy weather, and etc etc.
But all in the past. I drift of to sleep with my mind wandering alot of things. The fan moving on its pace making the weird noise. I just calm down and sleep
Remember those days when everything seem to be so fine. No boyfriend issues, no marriage issue, no college friends issue, no issues that made life so undesirable.
Those days when all you had to worry about was, mom not coming home early. Dad coming home late and you missed him. Parents not letting you go out to stay with friends on their birthday. And getting grades to top the class.
You cry everyday alone in your room, because you can’t seem to cry infront of others even though you want somebody to lean on. You want somebody to hug you and say you are fine. This depression that got built up with so many incidents now gives you panic attacks.
Sometimes you just don’t think anything and you stand on the edge of the balcony. And then you realise that you still have your family with you. Suicide, then she realized that sucidal people don’t think once before they kill themselves. They have so much going on in their life that they just go with it.
No emotions, no feeling. Numb is what it does to your body when you go to the psychiatrist telling them about your problems. They providing you with medicines and people thinking this girl is crazy she doesn’t value life. They think she went crazy and they don’t know how she feels and felt.
Times when all I want is a person that I can share my story with, makes me realize I don’t have close people that I can share my thoughts with. Cant lean on someone,just to make them feel I am mad.
All I can say is survive, you can do this, survive all those emotions, feel it heal it and let things go. Move on in your life and make yourself the first priority.